Rainbow in the Dark (foil-baked rainbow trout with lemon, dill and butter)

Rainbow trout is brilliant. It's cheap, widely available, tasty, healthy and easy to cook. You can get a whole fish, which will serve up to two people depending on the size, for just a couple of quid, and the delicate flesh just melts in your mouth.

If you prefer you can use olive oil instead of butter, but personally I think you can't beat that luxurious buttery taste. This recipe is extremely easy, but because it's fish people will still think you've done something clever, which as we all know is the most important thing when cooking for others. Don't be confused by the apparent length of this recipe, it's actually very quick and easy to do.

Ingredients:

* Garlic clove, smashed but unpeeled
* 2 x iceberg lettuce leaves
* 1 x large rainbow trout
* Salt and freshly ground black pepper
* A few generous knobs of butter
* Half a lemon, cut into slices as per the picture
* 4 x spring onions
* Handful of dill, or parsley if you prefer (or even both together - go on, you crazy fool!)

Method:

1. Turn the oven on at 190 degrees.
2. Get a fairly big sheet of kitchen foil, at least A 3 size, and lay the fish on top of it in the centre. Make sure you've got enough foil to wrap the fish fully.
   
3. Having got your fishmonger to gut and scale the fish, chop the annoying fins off and make small slits about 1.5cm apart on the skin on each side of the fish - don't cut right through though. You'll want an extremely sharp knife for this otherwise you'll just start hacking into the flesh with a sawing motion, which will rip the flesh up. It's probably not a good idea to listen to Raining Blood while you do this.
   
4. Chop the spring onions finely. Season the fish inside the cavity and on each side, letting the salt and pepper get into the slits. Stuff the cavity with herbs, garlic, lemon slices (as many as will comfortably fit) and spring onions. Lay the remaining lemon slices on top of the fish and scatter some more dill over, then strategically place a few knobs of butter on top. Carefully wrap the fish until you have something that looks like a shiny cornish pasty, making sure that none of the liquid inside can escape. Put the parcel onto a baking tray and then into the oven for about 15-20 minutes, depending on the size of the fish.
   
5. Wash and shred some iceberg lettuce leaves - I think they go well with the soft fish because they're nice and crispy, which provides a nice contrast in texture. Make a little "bed" for the fish on a plate.
6. When the fish is cooked, unwrap the foil and gently peel the skin back using a spoon - this should be easy. You should notice a line going along the centre of the flesh. Now it's time for an all-out spoonfest - get a big spoon and a teaspoon. Insert the teaspoon on the aforementioned line and gently slide the flesh off the bones and onto the big spoon, then transfer the flesh to the lettuce bed. The flesh above the line should lift off very easily. There may be one or two stray bones here and there but nothing to lose sleep over.
7. Pour the lemony buttery goodness from inside the foil over the dish. If you're a tart like me you can serve the lemon slices as a garnish.
   

Lamb of God

Lamb is awesome. That is all.

On the eighth day, God created roast lamb. It's tender, juicy and flavoursome - hats off to my butcher once again. Mint and lamb are one of those flavour combinations that can be just thrown together without you having to put too much thought or effort into the dish. This recipe will serve one.

Ingredients:

* 2 x best end of lamb chops
* About 6 asparagus spears, depending on the thickness
* Salt and freshly ground black pepper
* A splash of port or madeira wine
* Clove of garlic, smashed, skin on
* Handful of fresh mint leaves (or rosemary sprigs, if you prefer)
* Olive oil
* 2 tbsps Worcestershire sauce
* 2 bay leaves
* 1 tbsp plain flour

Method:

1. Turn the oven on at 190 degrees, pre-heat a saucepan to a medium heat and pre-heat a roasting tin or ovenproof frying pan on the hob at quite a high heat.
   
2. Break the woody bottom ends of the asparagus off and peel the spears. Trim the excess fat off the lamb chops, but leave a little bit on.
3. Add a little bit of olive oil to the saucepan, then add the lamb fat trimmings and let them render down. Add the garlic, bay leaves, mint and asparagus trimmings and saute for a few minutes, then cover with water, season it and bring it to the boil. Boil and reduce the mixture for about half an hour - this will make a nice stock that you will use for the gravy later.
4. Meanwhile, season the lamb chops well on both sides and drizzle with a little Worcestershire sauce and olive oil. Put them into whatever roasting vessel you've chosen to use - they should sizzle vigorously on contact, if they don't take them out. Add a little more olive oil if it's really necessary, but use any additional fat sparingly as lamb is quite fatty anyway and quite a lot will have rendered down when you turn the chops over, plus a slight bit of charring actually makes the lamb taste better in my opinion. Turn them over once the underside has browned, which should take a couple of minutes, and let them brown on that side too, then add a splash of port and put them in the oven for about 15 minutes if you still want them to be a bit pink inside.
5. Take the lamb out of the oven and let it rest on a plate (preferably in a warm place) while you make the mint gravy. Put the roasting vessel on the hob and turn the heat up to full, stir a little flour into the juices and then add the asparagus and mint stock. Bring to the boil and reduce, then strain into a jug or gravy boat (if you're posh) and skim any fat off the surface.
   
6. To cook the asparagus spears, blanch them in boiling water for about three-four minutes until they're tender - don't overdo it though. I used the water from the boiled potatoes I served with the lamb.
7. Serve with boiled or sauteed potatoes and drizzle with a generous amount of the gravy.
   

Marha Gulyas with Csipetke (no, I don't know how to pronounce this either)

I spent a year in Athens as part of the Erasmus programme. This basically involved me lying around getting drunk and sunburnt and not doing a lot of work. It was a lot of fun and my friends had an idea for something to do for Christmas.

I had met friends from all over Europe, so my Hungarian friends Kinga, Zsofi and Klari thought it would be fun to have a party where we could all bring or make some food from our home countries. My friends hosted the event and made this AWESOME gulyas (you know it as goulash), which was good because the Hungarian boys brought pizza. It's basically a spicy beef stew and it's perfect for a cold winter's day; I just hope it's up to their standards!

Ingredients:

For the gulyas:

• About 750g braising steak or stewing beef, cut into bite-size chunks
  
• 1 tbsp hot Hungarian paprika (the stuff that really blows your balls off)
  
• 1 large onion
• About 3 tbsps plain flour
  
• 2 big garlic cloves
• 4 medium red potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
• 2 bay leaves
  
• Jug of good quality beef stock (I'm not sure of the exact amount but you need enough to almost cover the meat and vegetables)
• 1 green pepper
• 2 tins of Italian plum tomatoes, drained
  
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• A generous handful of flat-leaf parsley

For the csipetke (potato dumplings):

• 1 large egg, beaten
• 2 tbsps water
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 8 tbsps plain flour

Method:

1. Heat some vegetable oil in a large casserole to a high temperature (if you like heart attacks you can use lard, which is the traditional Hungarian way).
2. Put some plain flour in a bowl and season it well with salt and pepper. Toss the beef in it, making sure it's well covered. When the oil is hot, brown the beef for a few minutes on all sides and remove to a plate when this is done. The beef should sizzle vigorously on contact with the oil - if it doesn't, take it out quickly and let the oil heat up more, otherwise your beef will just leak its juices into the pan; the idea is to seal all of those juices in. You may have to do this in batches. Use tongs to make sure the beef is properly browned with a nice little crust before you turn it over.
   
3. While the beef is browning, peel and chop the onion into half moons. When the beef is all browned and removed to a plate, put your onions into the pan with the peeled garlic gloves and bay leaves. Fry for a couple of minutes until fragrant, then reduce the heat and put the lid on the casserole. Let the onions caramelise slowly and stir them every now and then.
4. Meanwhile, chop your green pepper into strips.
   
5. After 30 minutes of caramelisation (you love it!) add the paprika. When the paprika is fragrant, raise the heat, add the potatoes and green peppers and fry for a few minutes.
6. Add the tomatoes and fry them off for about 10 minutes to get rid of that acidic flavour they can have, then add the beef back in. Cover with the stock, bring to the boil and then reduce to a gentle simmer. Let it cook slowly on a low heat for about 1 and a half hours, skimming fat from the surface every now and then, until your meat and vegetables are tender enough to be cut easily with a spoon.
   
7. While the gulyas is cooking through, make the csipetke. Mix the egg, water and salt together in a mixing bowl. Add the flour and knead until you have a stiff dough. NOTE: the quantity of flour I've given here is only a rough estimate; the original recipe I used suggested using 6 tablespoons, which was nowhere near enough. Wrap the dough in cling film and leave it in a warm place for 30 minutes, then make little balls with your hands. Put these balls in the gulyas for the last 15 minutes of cooking.
8. Garnish the gulyas with some roughly chopped parsley and serve it with some nice crusty bread to mop up the residual sauce.
   

All That Remains (Irish haddock fish cakes with lemon mayonnaise)

So you've made some awesome Tim-style mashed potato but you've got a load of it left over. You can't justify throwing it away because it's winter and you're so poor that you're already reduced to burning your mum's Chris de Burgh CD collection for warmth (actually, you should be doing that anyway). So what can you do with it?

On a slightly more serious note, you do find yourself eating a lot of the same stuff all the time when you're cooking on a budget (like me), and the price of fish can be a bit of a barrier to trying out some really nice (and easy) recipes. Haddock costs about as much as salmon these days, but because you bulk this dish out with potato you can make a little bit go a long way. As I say, it's also a nice way to use up leftover mash - for me, this recipe is a lot of messing around if you just start it all from scratch. The lemon mayonnaise compliments the fish cakes very nicely in my opinion - fish and lemon are just made for each other after all. One fish cake is a nice starter, but two are substantial enough for a main course.

Ingredients:

For the fish cakes:

• 450g skinned smoked haddock
• 2 bay leaves
• 150ml milk
• 350g leftover buttered mash
• Zest of half a lemon
• Handful of flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
• 2 large garlic cloves, grated
• 1-2 tbsps of plain flour
• Salt and black pepper
• A slice or two of stale white bread, crusts trimmed
  

For the lemon mayonnaise:

• Yolk of one large egg
• 150ml extra virgin olive oil
• Juice of half a lemon
• Salt and black pepper

Method:

1. Break the haddock up into bite-size pieces and put it in a saucepan with the milk and bay leaves. Season and bring to the boil, then reduce to a low simmer and poach for about 5 minutes until the haddock is cooked through, then drain using a colander. NOTE: the recipe I based this one on suggested taking the haddock off the heat and leaving it in the warm milk to continue poaching for 10 minutes before draining it. You can try this if you want but I really didn't see the point - fish doesn't take long to cook, it overcooks easily and you're going to fry the fish cake in the pan for about 10 minutes anyway.
   
2. While your haddock is cooking, make the lemon mayonnaise. Beat the egg yolk and slowly trickle the olive oil in, whisking thoroughly throughout and slowly increasing the speed at which you pour it in; you should have a nice thick mayonnaise. Season to taste and mix in the lemon juice.
3. Using a fork, break the haddock up into flakes, then mix it with the mashed potato in a bowl. Grate the bread into the bowl. Season to taste and add the parsley, flour and grated lemon zest.
4. Heat some olive oil in a pan on a medium-hot temperature. Use your hands to make 4 "burgers" with the fish/potato mixture. When the oil is hot, fry the fish cakes for about 5 minutes on each side until they're golden brown.
5. Serve with the lemon mayonnaise and a leafy green salad (yes I know there's no salad in the picture, fuck off clever dick).

Some people prefer to make these fish cakes with salmon, or a 50/50 mix. I've done a basic, homely version here but if you make them with salmon they can be a bit more exciting, as the stronger flavour of salmon can lend itself to more vibrant ingredients like ginger, chilli, lime and coriander (instead of parsley). Spring onions also work well in this recipe.

Rich-Man's Chicken Kiev (Pheasant Parcel)

My mate Adam sometimes goes shooting with his Dad, so he has a fairly plentiful supply of free pheasant. He was kind enough to give me a breast recently so I thought I'd have a go at a recipe.

I had never made pheasant before, but I was aware that it has very little fat, being a game bird, so it needs a bit to be added in order to keep it nice and tender. Here, I did it in two ways - with a garlic and herb butter in the middle and a couple of rashers of streaky bacon round the outside. The result was most agreeable, Mr D'arcy.

Ingredients (for one):

• 1 x pheasant breast fillet
  
• 2 x rashers of streaky bacon
• Half a garlic clove
• 1 x pinch of fresh flat-leaf parsley and tarragon leaves, plus an extra parsley leaf to garnish
  
• 1 x reasonably sized knob of butter
• Salt and pepper

Method:

1. Clean the pheasant breast THOROUGHLY so that you know there are no stray bits of feather/other crap. Clean it like you cleaned your hands that time your mum walked in on you having a danger wank.
2. Chop the garlic and herbs as finely as you can, but make sure you only cut through each section of the bunch once so that you don't lose the flavour. Mix it with the butter.
   
3. Butterfly the pheasant breast, i.e. take a very sharp knife and cut it along the centre so that you can fold it out. Try to flatten it a bit - I used my hands to do this but I guess the proper way would be to use a rolling pin or a steak tenderiser.
4. Roll the garlic and herb butter into a sort of sausage shape that fits nicely in the middle of the butterflied pheasant breast and fold it over. Season it well, then wrap it in the bacon and then again, tightly, in cling film, making sure it's well covered. TIP: if you really desperately want to make sure that it stays tightly wrapped you can chuck it in the fridge for a while; however, I didn't bother and it seemed to turn out fine.
5. Get an oven-proof pan, add a bit of olive oil in it hot and put the pheasant parcel in the pan. It should sizzle vigorously in the pan - if it doesn't then take it out and put it back in when it's hotter. Brown it on all sides and then put it in the oven for about 15 minutes at 200 degrees.
6. Serve garnished with a large parsley leaf.
   

I served mine with mustard mash and strained cooking juices on the side. I liked it, but I can imagine someone finding that to be a bit too much fat on one plate. I think some cabbage would go nicely with this, or perhaps some nice mushrooms, cooked the Italian way with butter, garlic, white wine and a squeeze of lemon juice.

Summer sausage fun

Bangers and mash is usually thought of as a hearty winter warming dish, but as it's one of my favourites I thought I'd give it a bit of a makeover for the summer. It's lighter, more seasonal and a bit healthier as sweet potatoes don't need gallons of butter in order to mash well and taste good.

This recipe, as per usual, is nice and simple. The only tips I would really make for a real novice would be to check the seasoning, particularly in the sweet potatoes, and keep an eye on the temperature of the onions (and the amount of oil in the pan) to help them caramelise without burning. As with normal bangers and mash, it relies on two main things for good flavour - top quality sausages and a real gravy made with caramelised onions and good stock.

Ingredients:

• 4 good quality butcher's sausages
• 4 medium-large sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped
  
• 2 onions, cut into half moons
  
• 2 gloves of garlic, smashed and peeled
• About 400ml vegetable or chicken stock
• 200ml cider
• 4 thyme sprigs
• 4 rosemary sprigs
• A few handfuls of parsley
• 2 tbsps olive oil
• 2 tsps butter (optional)
• 2 tbsps Worcestershire sauce
  
• Salt and pepper
• 1 tbsp flour (optional)

Method:

1. Heat the oil to a medium-high heat in a pan. Add the garlic and herb sprigs and fry them for a few seconds until they're fragrant. Add the sausages, brown them on all sides, them remove them to a plate.
2. Add the onions and reduce the heat to a medium-low level. When they've started to turn transcluscent, lower the heat even more and cover the pan. Stir the onions occasionally and let them gently fry for 20-30 minutes or until they've caramelised.
3. Meanwhile, start the sweet potatoes off in lightly salted cold water and bring them to the boil from there, then simmer briskly until the potatoes are tender (about 15 minutes). When they slide off a knife, they are tender enough, and you should drain them to avoid letting them get soggy. Put them back on the ring for a minute on a very low heat to let the excess water in the pan evaporate.
   
4. Put the sausages back in, raise the heat and add a splash of cider to the pan., along with the flour if you're using it. Boil the cider until it's reduced by half, then add the stock. Bring the stock back to the boil and then let it simmer for about 15 minutes until it has reduced. Season to taste as you go along.
5. As a finishing touch for the potatoes, grab a bit of parsley and chop it up roughly using a very sharp knife, then mash it into the sweet potatoes.
   

Pig Destroyer

This pork chop represents a defining moment in my life - I finally got the crackling right on a chop as opposed to a big roasting cut. From now on, this is how you will cook pork chops, or I will spitroast you.

Ingredients (to serve four):

• 4 thick, well marbled, good quality pork chops from your butcher - no supermarket crap
• 6 large garlic cloves
• 600g new potatoes
• 2tsps English mustard
• 1 cabbage
• 400ml vegetable stock (I guess)
• Splash of Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tbsps plain flour
• 2 tbsps runny honey
• 4 tbsps cider vinegar
• 2 tbsps brown sugar
  
• 4 tbsps dried oregano
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 250ml good cider (again, guessing)
  
• Drizzle of sunflower oil

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees celcius.
2. Scrape and wash the potatoes and put them in a saucepan with salted cold water.
3. Core the cabbage and cut it into quarters, then shred it as finely as you like. Finely chop two of the garlic cloves and mix them with the cabbage in a baking tin along with the honey, sugar, cider vinegar, seasoning and Worcestershire sauce. Add enough vegetable stock to just cover the cabbage, then cover the tin with foil and put it in the oven.
4. Meanwhile, prepare the pork chops. I'm assuming you've already got them out of the fridge at least 15 minutes in advance so that they can adjust to room temperature. Using a very sharp knife, cut through the layer of skin and fat on the outside (stopping just short of cutting into the flesh). Season each chop well on both sides with salt and pepper. Smash the remaining garlic cloves, discard the skin, and place one underneath each pork chop on a baking tray or roasting tin. Rub some oregano onto the top of the chops, pour a splash of Worcestershire sauce on each one and drizzle them with sunflower oil.
5. When the cabbage has been cooking for about 10 minutes, put the pork chops into the oven and raise the temperature to 220 degrees. After 15 minutes, lower the temperature to 190 degrees and roast for a further 20 minutes.
6. Get the potatoes boiling for about 10 minutes or until they slide off a sharp knife.
7. When the chops are done, put them on a plate to one side and put the roasting tin on the hob; leave the cabbage in the oven for now. Turn the hob on high so that the juices start bubbling. Add the flour into the juices and then deglaze it with the cider. Once the cider has reduced by half, add the vegetable stock and reduce it by about half. Strain the grindcore gravy into a suitably br00tal jug and spoon any scum off the surface.
8. To finish the potatoes, heat a little olive oil in a saucepan and add the cooked potatoes, along with a couple of teaspoons of mustard. Toss your spuds around until they're well covered.